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Monday, April 18, 2005.
Kremlin Pawns' Latest Weapon Is Chessboard By Maxim Kononenko One day Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office with the deputy head of his administration, Vladislav Yuryevich Surkov, watching the chairman of Committee 2008: Free Choice, Garry Kimovich Kasparov, speaking live at the Center for Liberal-Conservative Policy.
"Always the same old thing," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ mumbled. "The Putin regime, resistance, Yabloko, SPS. When are they going to come up with something new?"
Vladislav Yuryevich nodded in agreement. Garry Kimovich concluded his speech and began to sign autographs. Suddenly a young man, whose chessboard had been signed by the chairman, struck Garry Kimovich over the head with it."I respected you as a chess player!" the young man cried. "But you betrayed the sport and went into politics."
"Check it out," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ said in astonishment.
"Going after an amateur," Vladislav Yuryevich mumbled.
"Whaddya mean, an amateur?" Vladimir Vladimirovich™ asked. "He was world friggin' champion!"
"In the world of chess he was a champion," Vladislav Yuryevich replied. "In our game he's an amateur." Vladislav Yuryevich changed the channel to a live broadcast of the founding conference of Nashi, the latest pro-Kremlin youth group.
One day Vladimir Vladimirovich™ Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office watching a live broadcast from Moscow's Meshchansky district court, where Mikhail Borisovich Khodorkovsky was delivering his concluding statement. "I do not own yachts, palaces, race cars or soccer teams. The house they photographed for the article in Komsomolskaya Pravda wasn't mine. My house is a lot smaller. I don't have property abroad. Ask the FSB."
Vladimir Vladimirovich™ quickly called the director of the Federal Security Service, Nikolai Platonovich Patrushev. "Hey, pal," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ said. "Does Khodorkovsky really not have any property abroad?"
"Not anymore," Nikolai Platonovich said.
"What a chump," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ mumbled and hung up. "We were right to take everything he had. If we hadn't done it, somebody else would've. Or he'd have lost it in a poker game."
"I was not a proper oligarch," Mikhail Borisovich said.
"And I wanted to entrust him with the salvation of Russia," Vladimir Vladimirovich™ said sadly and turned off the television.
Maxim Kononenko's satirical vignettes are found on his web site, www.vladimir.vladimirovich.ru
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