If you talk to foreigners who’ve been to Russia, you’re likely to notice a paradox — while many will rave about Russians being “so friendly, and so nice,” others will incredulously talk about people being “so mean and so rude”. Talk to Russians returning to the motherland after spending time abroad and you’ll get the same incongruous reaction: they’re at once relishing the return to things and people they know and love and hating the thought of encountering unpredictable meanness. There is a Plague of Rudeness amuck in Russia, and bad customer service is but one small part of it.
There is even a special name in Russian for people whose vocabulary lacks the words “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” but includes “hey you” and “whaddaya want”. Such a person, in Russian, is a “Kham,” after Ham, Noah’s irreverent son in the Bible. The act of being a “Kham” is called khamstvo, and it differs from plain old rudeness by being a) intentional and b) most likely to go unpunished. You know you’ve seen it if someone fed their ego at your expense by being extremely and undeservedly rude to you while knowing they were getting away scot-free.
Khamstvo is ubiquitous. Try fumbling with your wallet at the cash register while others are waiting in line — someone behind you is almost certain to raise their voice and angrily demand that you move your behind more efficiently. But that’s peer-to-peer khamstvo and can be responded to in like. Much more painful and embarrassing are situations when the rude person has the power — and you don’t.
Situations that are unimaginable anywhere else in the world — if only because the perpetrators would be sued for emotional damages — happen every day in Russia. Police officers, sales clerks, concierges, security guards, hospital nurses, administrators of every kind — if they’ve got something you want, they’ll make you pay with your dignity.
For instance, when a friend had to go through the bureaucratic rigmarole involved in obtaining Moscow city registration (a procedure found to be unconstitutional but never outlawed), she brought her application to the district administrator in charge. Cold and arrogant, the administrator looked at her 6-month application and said, “I’m not giving you more than three months. Go argue with my boss if you like.” Her boss was out on vacation, and when he did get back, he first sighed and waved his hands, then got upset and told my friend that if she didn’t leave him alone, he wouldn’t register her altogether. Prime example of khamstvo right there.
If security guards at a cafe look at you funny and ask you if you’re here to apply for a dishwasher’s position, or if the restaurant host refuses to seat you, telling you that all the tables are reserved — while at the same time another friend of yours is courteously invited in — you’ve witnessed a specific brand of Russian khamstvo. Russians tend to quickly pass appearance-based judgments and act on them, rather than at least keep up a pretense of politeness. The infamous “face control,” or the practice of estimating personal worth and wealth, is performed not only at exclusive clubs and discos, but in all personal interactions. If you don’t look like a big tipper, or like you don’t have friends in high places, or if they just don’t like the looks of you — you’ll have to learn to either let it slide or stand up against it by barking back something as rude
On a mini-scale, khamstvo comes through as people treating you as a servant or just trash. Someone comes up to you, asks for directions, walks off with a scowl without ever thanking you? Been there, seen that. Someone steps on your foot, takes a look at you, figures you’re not going to shame them — there it is again.
Every Russian you’ll ever meet will rant and rave about this national trait. How do they battle it? Why do they stand for it? Many people toughen up against this plague to the point of starting to ooze rudeness themselves. For instance, a saleswoman in a grocery shop, who has just been blamed by a picky customer for her store’s poor food selection and had to kick out a drunk, will definitely take a defensive position if you ask a question she perceives as tricky. So what do you do to escape unscathed? Flash a kind smile and ask for her advice in a begging tone — you’ll see her morphing, on the spot, into the sweet generous Russian you’ve heard so much about. But that will only work with kindred spirits also hoping for a gentler society. Otherwise, watch your dignity as you would your wallet — it’s a dog-eat-dog world.
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